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 " Just remember, we pay to run these things. We're all nuts." |
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Roger Collier Toronto Marathon Oct. 17, 2004
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I recently completed my first marathon. Why did I do it? How did I prepare? How did it go? Will I ever do it again? Funny you should ask. WHY RUN? Why am I running a marathon? Good question. Do I enjoy running? If it results in a rapid increase in distance between me and a roaring forest fire or an equally rapid decrease in distance between me and a sausage (hot Italian, or as I like to call it, the Monica Belluci) vendor, then yes. Otherwise, no. Am I unhealthy? Not particularly, I eat fairly well thanks to a wife who does not eat beef, avoids butter at all cost, and looks forward to a healthy meal more than Germany looks forward to David Hasselhoff’s next single. I do, however, have a weakness for Coke, pizza and the occasional potato chip. I’ve always been long and (mostly) lean, but my love handles have been providing a bit more shade for my hips over the past couple of years. I have no desire to start counting calories any time soon and I figured that the massive quantity of calories burned training for a marathon would alleviate the need to do so. Do I like a good challenge? Sure I do! I just turned 30 and it seems like a good time for a new challenge. I like that I would have accomplished something that less than 1% of the population has. I like pushing myself a bit to see what my body is capable of doing. For example, I have learned that if I lie on a beach in Cuba for a few hours without sunscreen my body is completely incapable of maintaining a skin colour that in any way resembles that of the average Caucasian male. I believe is was Socrates who stated “Know Thyself”. Actually I know it was him because I just looked it up on Google (making people seem smarter than they are since 1998!). I knew I would never actually do much running if I did not have an ultimate goal. Running for the health benefits only was not enough for me. Deciding if I would rather go out for a 10 K trot or grab a coffee and read the paper would be the shortest mental struggle since Homer Simpson pondered the downside of taking the last apple fritter. HOW DID I PREPARE? I needed a plan. If only there were some magic machine, maybe connected to other machines which were equally magicy to create a huge super-magic network, which allowed me to input a topic like “marathon training programs” and would provide me with the information I needed. Could such a machine exist? After many fruitless queries to my toaster I concluded not only was it completely ignorant of details pertaining to tempo runs and lactic acid threshold, but it was not a member of any great toaster fraternity. Wait a minute. What about the Internet? I knew it was a great resource for videos of chubby geeks re-enacting battle scenes from Star Wars, but could it contain information about marathon training? Yes. Yes it could. I decided upon Hal Higdon’s Intermediate I program. I felt I was not a true beginner because I had just completed a 10 K race in 46 minutes without really training for it. I also knew that if I chose a program containing hill repeats and track work I would be less faithful to it than a pastry chef would be to the Atkins’ Diet. This program called for a weekly schedule of 3 easy intermediate distance runs, 1 tempo run, and 1 long run. I purchased a heart rate monitor to help me stay in the necessary training zones. I soon realized how slow the majority of the training runs would be. I found it hard to keep my heart rate lower than 150 BPM. It was also quite humbling to run this slow. I was getting passed like gas after a chili eating contest. I looked forward to the tempo runs so I could actually push it a bit. I ran a half marathon at 12 weeks into the training program. I had skipped a lot of runs and was averaging about 3-4 per week but always did the tempo and long run. I didn’t taper for the half but I did carbo load and drink a ton of water (inquiries regarding getting a urinal installed in my cubicle were not favorably met) in the 3-4 days leading up to the run. The plan was to keep my heart rate between 162 and 168 BPM but that didn’t quite pan out. Soon after the start, I quickly got my heart rate up to 170. I tried to slow down but it felt like I was going way too slow so I just maintained my original pace and hoped I could maintain it. I passed the 10 K marker at 47 minutes. I felt really good and when I approached the 16 K marker I decided to push it for the final 5 K. My heart rate got up to about 180 BPM but I was able to keep this pace up until the finish. My adrenaline was really boosted by passing a lot of the runners in front of me (no one passed my after this point) and I finished strong for a time of 1:38. I didn’t think I would do so well. According to the on-line predictors I should be able to run a 3:25 marathon. Could that predictor actually be accurate? Could I actually go sub 3:30 in my first marathon? Could Donald Trump’s hair be any funnier? Although the last question is not related to my half marathon time, I would really like to know the answer. Maybe if he incorporated a full mullet to compliment the massive sweepy, swirly thing going on in the front? The last few weeks of training were not great. My last long run of 30 K ended short because of pain in my right calf. Then the taper began. Sweet, glorious taper. I love thee more than George Castanza loves velvet track suits. If only I could find an 18-week training program with a 16-week taper. I’d just skip the first two weeks. I may have over-tapered, completing only 4 pace runs of 5K each over the last two weeks. Oh well, onto the big day. HOW DID IT GO? Got up at 6 A.M.. Three hours before start time. Forced down 2 toast with peanut butter, some Raisin Bran, and one last Gatorade. Checked the forecast, calls for a high of 8 (C) with rain and wind. Not so good. At about 7:45, I wake up my brother (I came down from Ottawa, my brother lives in North York) to give me a ride to the start. I make sure I have everything before I check my bag: 4 gels, some candy, small tube of Vaseline, band-aids for nipples (believe it or not, this was the first time I put band-aids on my nipples in front of 5000 people). The 1/2 marathon starts at 8:30. Line up at 8:50. The guy next to me says he finished this race last year with a time of 3:06. This will be the last time I will ever see that guy. 9:00, here we go. 0-4 K It's cold. I had an old T-shirt on over my running shirt but I didn't throw it away yet. It's the wind that's killer. 5K Aid station. Altima. Gross. Time is about 25 minutes. 6K Entering a park. Guys are running over to the bushes to pee. Tsk, Tsk, poor liquid management. 6.1K I have to pee. Make a bee-line for the bushes. After this I am about 1 minute off pace. 6.1K-10K Once out of the park the wind was brutal again. My hands are completely numb (rookie mistake: no gloves). I discarded my old T-shirt, not because I was warm but because my bib was on the under shirt and I didn't want people to think I was a bandit. I ate my first gel at about 45 minutes in and passed the 10K marker at around 51 minutes. 10K-15K Continued at a steady pace. My heart rate has been consistent at about 165. My aim was to stay between 155 and 165. There are more hills on this course than where I train (where there are none) so my heart rate occasionally jumps up over 170. I hear a guy behind me ask his buddy if he has any vaseline. I offer him some of mine. I also rub a bit more on my thighs and soon realize that this is not a trivial procedure when there is no sensation in your fingers or thighs. 15K-20K Still feeling great. Ate my second gel. Had to pee again but since there were no bushes around I had to use a Porti-Poti (just like dem big city-folk!). I am now about 2 minute behind pace. 21.1K Half way home and surprise, the biggest hill on the course. THANK YOU very much. No really, I mean it. I LOVE hills. I'm not being SARCASTIC. Why do you ask? My time is 1:47 and change. I can live with that. Spectators are shouting "You look great, keep it up!". Thanks! I feel great. 21.1K-29K Still moving well. I feel good. My legs start feeling a little tired at around 29K. I am excited about reaching 30K because my wife, 11-month old daughter, and in-laws are there to cheer me on. 30K Stop for a smooch (wife and daughter, not father-in-law) and a quick picture. They are all dressed in big coats, I forgot how cold it was (because I am numb). I eat another gel. 31K What wall???? 32K Oh, that wall! What the heck? 32K-37K Torture! This is not fun. Since when did a kilometer become so far? My legs are killing me. People are passing me like (wait, I already used the chili eating contest metaphor), um, like something that passes stuff (I'm out of ideas, give me a break. I haven't written anything this long since high school). The aid stations have Gatorade now but it's disgusting. Must be the new coal miner's bath water flavour. I have to stop and pee in the bushes again. Note to spectators: do not say "It's all down hill after this" if that is indeed not the case. That's not funny. 37K-41K Oh, so it doesn't get easier at this point! I now have to stop at every kilometer marker and walk for about 30 seconds. I am disappointed that I can't run the whole thing. It's hard to start running again but I make myself do it. I pass and then get passed by people doing the same walk/run combo. This would be a great time to have someone you know come out and help you through the final few kilometers. I am lonelier than a British dentist. Spectators are shouting "You look great, keep it up!". Liars. 41-42K So close. Just want the agony to end. This is worse than watching Hillary Duff’s new movie. 42.2K Finally! Try to smile for the finishing photo but I doubt it looked very genuine. My time: 3:50. I was really out of it at this point. I could hardly walk but somehow I stumbled into the massage tent. It felt good (although painful) but when I started to shiver the masseuse recommended I go get my dry clothes. I looked for the tent with my bag but my brain was not exactly firing on all cylinders. I didn't have my blanket around my shoulders or keep my hat on. One of the volunteers noticed me and quickly helped me get my bag. Thank you very much. Once I changed into some warm, dry clothes I felt like myself again, only a much hungrier version. I wolfed down 3 bagels and 2 bananas in record time. WILL I DO IT AGAIN? I did not train nearly hard enough to run a 3:30. I was foolish to think so. My half marathon time made me too optimistic. I am sure I have the potential to do so, but just not yet. I am not totally disappointed with the result, but if I had aimed for a 3:45 instead I probably could have done so by running slower in the first half. Will I run another marathon? Probably. I hear my local marathon (Ottawa) is great. The only downside is that it is in May so I would have to train during our brutal Winter. I will also have to start doing my intermediate mileage runs in the morning before work instead of during my lunch hour to give me more time to stretch them out. I will also increase my long runs and maybe even do one that is a full 42K. Just remember, we pay to run these things. We're all nuts.
Roger Collier Kanata, Ontario October 20, 2004 The Administration
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